I felt a bit bleak yesterday, when I sat down to write my journal in the evening. Sitting at my desk, with my cat on my lap resting her chin on my forearm (which made writing very difficult), I felt myself wondering about the, at times, futility of life. It’s Thursday, and soon another week will have ended, and what will I have to show for it? What will be different, other than that I’ll be a week older?
So I ended up making a list, of what changes because I do what I do. It wasn’t a comprenensive list, but it included the following:
• I’m good at what I do. My work in the management side of things helps my colleagues to help clients. That’s not a small deal.
• this week I have sent a number of messages to people I love, just to see how they are, or to ask how their first day at a new job went, or to wish them happy birthday. I’ve phoned a friend I haven’t been in touch with for a while; I’ve been a friend to different people. It makes a small difference, maybe a negligable one, but a difference is a difference.
• people have read my blog. I know they have, because I look at the statistics, and because every now and again I get an email telling me that someone is following it (those emails are small bright points in my day). Presumably the blog, too, makes a small difference.
• I’m writing. I’m writing a book, a poetry anthology. It’s a book about domestic violence, and escape, and healing, and rebirth. My poems will be Out There – not sitting patiently in a notebook, waiting for the day they’re tossed into the wastepaper bin: they’ll be out in the world, and real people will read them, and the world will be very slightly different because of that small book of poems. At least to the fifteen or so people who buy it…
We all have a list like this, because each of us change the face of the world just by walking on it. But I realised that the list of what I do to make a difference in the world is about caring, and creativity. If I fade out of existence tomorrow, that’s what I’ve left. That’s what my life has been about.
Caring and creativity. There are worse things to base a very small legacy on.