And here’s what I’ve realised about having a blog: I’ve been struggling for a long time to lay the burden of what I have been through, of what I still go through, at the feet of the most Compassionate One. At the feet of the Source of love and life, the Ground of my being, the Creator and Universe. The God of storm and silence, of strength and vulnerability. The God small enough to suffer and die, and yet big enough to surround me.
And that’s scary, and I haven’t been able to do it very well. Partly because releasing the burden is so difficult when it runs so deep; partly because in laying down the burden I have to face that great, unknowlable compassion, and acknowledge just how much it all hurts at times – and I’m not quite brave enough to do that. My hunch is that God’s ok with that. God is big enough, and small enough, to understand my human smallness, and to love me through that, and in that.
But, in telling my story in little black letters on this bright computer screen, and then hitting the “Publish” button, I am in a way releasing the burden. In writing part of my story, in releasing these narratives to the Universe, I am also releasing them to the God of the Universe. In letting them go, I am handing them over. Partly because they are being read by people whose mission it is – known and unknown – to be God in the world themselves. Partly in a way that I can never fully understand, the words I write and send off into the virtual world of the internet – to penetrate the very real world of the individuals who will, amazingly to me, read them – are also sent deep into the Force of love and good that we call God. Metaphorically, I am laying these words at God’s feet.
It’s up to God now. I’m comforted by the image of It cherishing these narratives, this offering of honesty. Challenged by it too – I’d rather these distressing realities be thrown in the bin, swept out of sight of polite society. Otherwise I have to face them. But I’m comforted in the fact that the best and worst things that happened to me, that I still go through and struggle with, are cradled in the very heart of the Heart of the world.
Kind of an unexpected by-product of writing a blog.