This is the thing about being just a little bit not quite right these last few weeks: I feel like I’ve lost my creativity.
I haven’t, of course. I’m being a bit of a drama queen. I’ll accept that. Which in itself is probably not helping, because now I’m grumpy with myself about being a drama queen as well as everything else. Honestly, humans are such inconveniently complex creatures sometimes!
But the reality is that I’ve struggled this last few weeks to be a creative being. Despite the beauty of the world around me, the wealth of resources and inspirations, I’ve struggled to write so much as a Haiku. My journal and writer’s notebook have been carried around in my shoulder bag as usual (I’m still not quite able to trust that I can safely leave them on my desk at home without danger of them being violated and their contents used against me; I feel insecure without them in my possession at all times), but they’ve been crying out in silent, abandoned reproach. I’ve had the opportunity to do some writing – opportunity, but, apparently, not capacity. The words simply aren’t there. The thoughts aren’t there. It’s like wading through treacle.
And then someone said to me, out of the blue, “May God bless your creations”. Not, may God bless His creations, or may God bless Creation itself, but may God bless my creations. Naomi’s creations. And that was my very small ah-ha! moment for the day. Because the Creator created me to be creative. And while I struggle with the idea that anything I can create is worth anything at all, I am also aware that to refuse to be a creative being is to go against my creation. Against my Creator. And so (I think) it follows logically that the Creator wants me to be creative. That the Creator blesses my creativity. All I have to do is show up for it. Put pen to paper, fingers to laptop keyboard. Raise my voice in song, even if I do have to keep my fingers mentally crossed in the blind hope that my pitch isn’t entirely off the reserve. Trust that I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. And that when, like now, it’s hard – when at times it seems impossible – that’s ok too. I’ll keep showing up at the keyboard, I’ll keep sitting at my desk, I’ll keep surrounding myself with music and words. And a lot of what I produce will be rubbish and some will be worth something (I hope!) but the important thing is not the outcome – it’s the process. It’s the fact that I’m doing what I was created to do: creating.