Big things, and things you don’t see coming.

A friend – a good friend, yet another of those people I’ve somehow been blessed with in my life – asked me today how I’m doing after commemorating a year since seizing my freedom. My response was to tell him that the big things, things like Emancipation Day, things I see coming, are fine – it’s the things I don’t see coming that knock me for six.

Big things are no worries. Big things, like an anniversary, or a birthday, or even facing an issue at work that I know will trigger emotion or pain – they’re fine. Any blow is easier to deal with if you see it coming, if you can brace yourself against it, or to move with it. What’s not fine is the little things. Things that you don’t think will be an issue, you don’t think will bother you. Or, things you can’t even anticipate. They’re the things that send you sprawling.

So yes, I was fine after Emancipation Day. It was a chance to reflect on my blessings, on my year of wonders, but primarily I used it as an excuse to eat caramel slice. Today though, something happened that I didn’t see coming. Metaphorically, it was a king-hit from behind, that I had no way of anticipating. I’m shaking: heart-pounding, dry-mouthed, gut-churning, nauseating reaction. I can’t even say what the emotion is. It’s the things we don’t see coming that shatter us.

But, you know what? I’ve been shattered before. I’ve survived stuff I never would have thought I’d be capable of surviving. If nothing else, my year of wonders has taught me my own strength. And I’ve come through it intact. Scarred, but intact. King-hit from behind? Fine. Bring it on. I’ll survive this too.

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