A nice way of learning…

I am having a blissful week. My parents are staying with me; my parents are also friends, good friends. We are spending simple, beautiful time together, doing wonderful gentle things and enjoying each other’s company. There is quiet and conversation. I am feeling very happy.

But, it turns out, here’s the thing about happiness: over ten years, I have learned that it’s not allowed. That happiness brings punishment. Happiness makes me feel anxious and guilty (although the anxiety may also be related to the quantity of sugar I have consumed over the last several days). Each morning I have woken up feeling tense – only to face another gentle, peaceful, relaxed golden day with people whom I love, and who love me, and to be reminded anew of how blessed I am, and what happiness I am learning to reach for.

So here’s what I’ve decided. The only way I’m going to learn that happiness no longer brings pain is if I practise. If I constantly remind my brain until it gets sick of reminders and finally relaxes into contentment. So screw you, anxiety and guilt: I am going to practise being happy. Eventually I’ll get the hang of it. And it’s a damn sight more pleasant to practise happiness than it is to practise scales, or spelling, or touch typing.

Also, I have found out that stingrays like being stroked (firmly, just between and behind their eyes). My parents also bought me an egg chair. I think it’s the most snug, safe and comfortable chair I have ever owned.

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2 thoughts on “A nice way of learning…

  1. The presence of your Mum and Dad is loving you into healing. It will be nurturing for all of you. Each day do one happy thing for yourself – and create one happy time for someone else. But don’t make it a rule that you have to do it.

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