I was asked, some time ago, to think about ways in which I am mean to myself. I don’t necessarily mean overt meanness, although there is that too. But ways in which I undermine myself. Ways in which I inadvertently keep myself from being the best self I can be. So, being a rational, logical, left-brained over-thinker, I wrote a list. (Then I wrote a list of ways I can be nice to myself – but you’ll have to wait for tomorrow for that one.)
1. Sometimes I am mean to myself by calling myself names in situations where I don’t deserve it. Nasty names, too.
2. Sometimes I am mean to myself by being very harsh towards myself for normal human failings like compassion fatigue. I see myself as intolerant and a horrible person when actually I’m one of many people experiencing the same frustrations and exhaustions. It turns out that what I think of as being horrible, is actually just being human. Same first letter – totally different reality.
3. Sometimes I undermine myself by doing the opposite of what I really want to be doing. Like spending money when I want to save it, or eating chocolate when I want to be off the sugar train, or checking Facebook when I want to be writing.
4. Sometimes I undermine myself by letting soul-feeding things fall off the radar, and focusing instead on the things that are important, but that really don’t matter.
5. Sometimes I undermine myself by letting myself become too tired.
6. Sometimes I undermine myself by putting other people’s desires before my own needs.
7. Sometimes I am mean to myself by eating bad foods, knowing I will regret it, rather than eating nourishing foods that my body will appreciate.
8. Sometimes (just occasionally) am mean to myself by drinking too much (although in my defence, sometimes that’s actually a self-care thing, and then it doesn’t count as meanness).
9. Sometimes I am mean to myself by listening to the voice in my mind (the one that sounds remarkably like my ex) saying sexist or disrespectful things.
10. Sometimes I am mean to myself because I still feel at times that my ex is right in the fact that I am worthless. I undermine my own confidence in my friends, my abilities, my value.
Ten ways in which I am mean to myself. Well, nine things, and one major reason behind it all. I should really stop doing these things.